Oh Sean, didn't I tell you? I love being guilted. How did you know?

Go ahead, guilt me more, please - it's my pleasure to go right along with it and feel like a pile of dog crap because I'm well aware that it's all true and all my fault.


I'm sorry you can't move on. I'm really sorry. Trust me, if I could slap you hard enough to make you stop pushing those girls away that you've been trying to date - I WOULD! I would put every ounce of nearly non-existant muscle I have into a powerful backhand to the side of your head while also yelling "MOVE ON, MAN!" Lend me some of your muscle in fact and I'll do it - I will walk all the way to Santa Rosa to do it because it makes me pretty miserable knowing I'm responsible for someone else being miserable, thanks.



I really know how to pick them. I'm 99% sure that the kid I added on facebook is bio boy because I found his myspace and he looks like him (same gorrrrgeous eyes) - but the real kicker? He's HARDcore religious - half of his about me is about his church. And he's mormon. AND - hey Robin, remember the bigger curly headed girl in our english class we couldn't stand? I'm 99% sure also that she is his best friend. Am I awesome or WHAT?


I can't for the life of me make up my mind WHO, IF ANYONE, I want. It's awesome.

My chinchilla and his crazy ass dead-looking sleep positions are awesome, that's what's awesome.

OH EFFF, i didn't write my sentence. Mothertrucker. Yay. Megan has to get up at 8 and ONCE AGAIN can't sleepp. Brilliant. Absolutely wonderful.



Oooh yay, my second bathing suit was shipped.

I'm starving.

And people need to likeeee shutup. Like fricken Joe. Gah. And my sister.


And University of Pheonix? STOP CALLING ME!



I want some really good cheese. I wish I knew what kind of cheese it is that I wanted.

Mrrrrr.


Hungry!!! Damnit.

I know sometimes I'm stupid - especially when it comes to John. I don't know how things are going to end up, I don't know whether he's truly good for me in the long run. I don't know where or how far things will go, if anywhere, and if I'll get hurt or not in the long run.


What I know is that I never stopped loving him, and one of the stupid things I did was try and fool myself into thinking otherwise. I know he's made some mistakes. As have I. As has everyone I know.

So if I want to stick my hand back on the stove, I'm going to. Maybe it will be a bad choice, maybe I'll regret it, but I know that if I don't do what my heart is telling me to do I'll feel even stupider.



Maybe someday you'll know what I mean, and until then, I don't have to prove anything to you. To anyone.

 Fuck man, people suck tonight.

Screw this.

Chin in a cute contest!!

http://www.sugarloot.com/entry/936721373?browse_order=default

 

 What is the point of a friend if you don't talk? How can you call someone a friend - a best friend - when you know nothing about something so big in their life because they don't care to share? Especially when you know, hell, that other best friend probably knows it all.

I have so much I want to say. But I can't say it all. 

I'm angry as fuck. I'm sad as hell. I want to hug you and talk and tell you everything and cry to you like I used to. But on the other hand, I want to yell, I want to be mad, I want to just walk away from you.

I can't very easily call someone my best friend when they don't tell me anything (and consequently, it makes me not want to tell them a single fucking thing, as if events hadn't made it difficult to trust them with those things already), and I can't very easily call someone my best friend when nearly everything changes so quickly, after a week of knowing him. 

I mean, fuck. I can't blame you. I understand that everyone changes some when they meet someone new, I understand spending time with them, I understand this all, I did it. And on the other hand, I don't understand. I don't think there's any excuse to suddenly start treating your so-called best friend like she's some mediocre friend you barely know. I mean, whatthefuck. As if something your mother said covers it all that has happened in the past few days. But I don't hear shit. So with that alone, why would I share shit? And it kills me, because you know you're basically my only friend, you're the person I've come to with all my problems.

And I just can't do that. I had other friends I used to be close with. But you know what, they aren't my friends any longer for a reason. Because things like this happened, and more, and I'm not doing it again. I'm not letting a friendship I have turn into one of those stupid friendships you have just to have a "friend" that isn't truely a close friend. I can't do that. Not that that's what it is. But I won't let it. And if a week changes it all this much, I don't know where this will go. Call me a dramatic bitch, whatever. Surely you half think that and I'm sure you've got him thinking that as well (which is fucking great, because I can hand out checks each week feeling like some bitchface asshole)

But it's like.. I don't even know. You tried to compare it to me and John and I'll be damned if that's what it's like. I admit I did some of the same things. But not like this. You knew I was having problems with John, and yet, you let me sit there by myself on the end of the couch, while you had your fun with him and ignored me for the rest of the night. I would never do that. I don't know

I don't feel like I know what's going on at all anymore.








I need a fucking license so bad, so I can stop relying on people I may not be able to always rely on, so I can do new things, meet new people, and stop this desperation shit.


This isn't even the tip of the iceberg. If only you knew what has gone on inside my head the last few days. 

I love you to death, so much, but it's so hard knowing that you are now treating me differently and it's hard feeling like I can't trust you and you don't talk to me and that makes me feel even more like I can't tell you things... 

I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore, except maybe my fucking cats which is pathetic. As if it wasn't hard enough placing my trust in someone before...

And just fuck. Having one best friend fucking sucks ass.  Hoes before bros? HA. Oh, shoot me.



I just want to get over this. I want to rise above this and get that optimistic view back cause I hate this. \

Ahh, Rise Above This - perfect song to get me back on track. If nothing else though, I know myself, and this will just give me more drive to do something for myself. Nonetheless,


Thank GOD for the private setting. I can rant and still keep it to myself.